God Told Me to Skin You Alive

I don't know how much water the word of Palestinian foreign minister Nabil Shaath carries, but he's providing the BBC with some very twisted tales about our mush-mouthed president's hotline to the almighty.

"President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with a mission from God,'" Shaath related. "'God would tell me, 'George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan.' And I did, and then God would tell me, 'George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq…' And I did. And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, 'Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East.' And by God I'm gonna do it.'"

If George Bush really hears God exhorting him to violence, he is seriously ill and needs help. I just asked God about this myself and He categorically denies the entire conversation.

"I don't need to tell people to kill other people," He said. "You guys are big enough assholes on your own. I'd laugh about it if I could just stop weeping."

God went on to suggest a heroic dose of lithium that makes the president glass over like that "big Indian fella" in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

"Now there's a movie!" He added.