Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Time Warner shows the love

If you’re a Time Warner Cable subscriber in Austin, you probably know they’re in down-to-the-wire carriage negotiations with KTBC, the local Fox station. If the two multinational media conglomerates fail to reach an agreement by 11:59pm on Dec. 31, Time Warner will yank Fox from its channel line-up. Last time this happened, we went without NBC for nearly a month.

This morning I got an e-mail from Time Warner Cable thanking me for being their customer. There was no mention of the dispute with Fox, but one might figure a company on the precipice of angering and inconveniencing its customers would try to incentivize not fleeing in disgust to the competition. Here’s what the synergy-minded marketing team at Time Warner Cable came up with:

THANK YOU

For being a Time Warner Cable customer!
Enjoy this exclusive Time Warner Cable coupon - $3.00 discount off the purchase of a Six Flags Sport Bottle.

Your 2010 Six Flags Sport Bottle comes with
-FREE refills all day, same day of purchase
-Refills only 99¢ for the entire 2010 season

Print and redeem this coupon at one of the following Six Flags locations:
-Six Flags over Texas, Arlington, TX – All American Café
-Six Flags Fiesta Texas, San Antonio, TX – Mockingbird Funnel Cakes


Now that’s what I call shitting in my mouth and calling it a sundae! So sorry about not being able to renegotiate our carriage agreement with the local Fox station in time for you to be sure you’ll get to see bowl games on New Year’s Day, but here’s a coupon for $3 off a $13 plastic bottle we paid the Chinese 25 cents to manufacture.

Of course, you’ll still have to pay between $30 and $50 to get in to one of our amusement parks to take advantage of this deal, but once you’re there, we’ll give you free high fructose corn water for one whole day. If you can possibly stomach return visits, we’ll fill your faded, dog-eared cup with more sickly sweet corn drink for only 99 cents. By the way, this offer expires on Feb. 16, so don’t show up in August thinking you’re going to squeeze us for a day of free pop when it’s 300 degrees outside.

Time Warner, in exchange for this extraordinary gesture of corporate goodwill, I would like to invite you to suck an endless parade of left ones this holiday season.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awesome!
Big Media sux like nothing since... Well, like nothing I can remember! Why aren't there More Satellite companies? I'm gonna subscribe to Canadian satellite TV - no commercial breaks!
Awesome blog title, as well (from one who normally hates puns, but loves Sextons)

TexasBrian said...

ROFL... awesome awesome awesome

dkfwriting said...

Greatest ... blog post ... ever.