The thrill of the chase

I've always wanted to shadow a tornado chaser, but as the Travel Channel's Tornado Alley U.S.A. demonstrates, it ain't all funnel clouds and grapefruit-sized hail.

There are no guarantees with weather, so you could fork over $2,000 to minivan your way around America's big wide middle and never witness a single wall cloud. Imagine hauling your ass all the way from London to Nebraska and coming up vortex-less. What a damn shame that would be.

Clearly there is a market need for a tornado chase outfit that balances the uncertainty of finding the business end of Mother Nature's wrath with the restorative powers of being on the business end of a table dance. If I were Warren Buffett, I'd double down on the first company that breaks up the monotony of fruitless chase days with a sampling of Midwestern men's clubs, particularly those with steak-and-shrimp lunch specials.

And what would this weather-porn dream factory on wheels be called? Titty Twisters!